You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
