Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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