fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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