If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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