Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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