the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
