Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
