Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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