We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
