guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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