If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
