I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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