I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
