Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
