i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
