he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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