I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
