I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
