woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
