I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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