you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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