Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
