In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
