Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
