I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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