So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
