Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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