im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
