Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
