My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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