I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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