Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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