I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
