my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
This is the high leading the old right now
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
