Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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