just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just found puke in my bra..
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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