He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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