LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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