Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
