tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
so much tequila, so little girl.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
