how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i think i have two assholes
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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