just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
