The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
