Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
