sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
