I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
