I feel great
I just peed on a car
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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