She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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