If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
