I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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