We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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